second generation

person holding clear glass ball
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i can hold my own in a conversation not in my language
because i’ve learnt it, piecemeal, in response to demand

but wait – it could have been my language all along, right
and the fact that it isn’t
is the fault of experiences that even with good reason,
just don’t seem to quite line up

it’s amazing how wrong you can feel
about your life that is supposedly so right
and how you are a different person in each of your circles
so that no one will know the many ways in which you don’t fit in

it’s both maddening and heartbreaking to know
that you’ll never be good enough
for the people you supposedly resemble the most

nothing matters

lightning and gray clouds
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i never learn, do i

that nothing matters
except whether i stay true
to the belief that i’ve been
given to care for

and no achievements remain
except an even, thankful disposition
and unyieldingly faithful heart

i sometimes have these both
for a few moments before the scared,
childlike parts of me resurface
seeking attention

 

 

 

swimming in the mall

divers-underwater-ocean-swim-68767.jpeg
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the best place to remember and find myself is in the middle of a bustling mall
where the sidebench can be my armchair

and the pleasant scurryings of the shoppers-by
can be my rhythm and also my tide to swim against

~

it requires energy to swim against the current [of mental noise]

just as it takes energy to dive into your craft and find the place where
stroke after stroke, you and the activity flow together as one

and you no longer exist aside from the conscious being watching words appear,
watching lengths unfold

~

i’m swimming again, in the world’s sea, moving and remaining still

every blank page, every still mile of water is full of exactly the lifesource i need

 

i hope it’s clear that engaging here is as necessary to my survival as breathing

and in fact, i’ve already lost myself, blown off steam, given away my troubles, taken as many deep breaths as a yoga class could provide

i kind of can’t believe how easy it was to arrive here

~

the drive and requirement to be the best that i can be in turn requires that i pull away to rejuvenate, however selfish that may seem

i can rise to the occasion as required
and i believe i have it all in me
but i do not want to feel inadequate
for not rising to an occasion
that does not [currently] exist for me.

trip to the mall

crown group modern motion
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why should the act of wrapping two polycarbonate (read: plastic) pens in a brown envelope
and securing them with care and a piece of red tape
when no wrappings were required

be viewed as a new-age-post-sale-customer-retention-luxury-value gimmick?

should we not stretch ourselves beyond the ordinary everyday
to make the seemingly mundane seem less so?

~

the bright signs and well-lit displays
I might previously have seen as being pointlessly materialistic are now
easily, breathtaking reminders of the beauty of human ingenuity.

~

we will stop at nothing.

the fact that we can do it,
is reason enough to perform an act

isn’t it?

 

 

love (one)

close up photo of coconut tree
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i need to love deeply
the way that i used to when

i didn’t have an object for my love

and i had time to feel
how simultaneously heartbreaking and lovely it was, to love

i need to love, the way i used to when
winds whipped my hair around my face and blew the staleness out of my soul
when i went walking near the lake

just because i could

just because i loved to

 

averaged

blur calm waters dawn daylight
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i don’t recognize my life anymore, it’s living itself

there isn’t a place i can rest my head that feels like my home —
maybe that was a concept only for childhood

~

i’m like tempered glass, i can take anything and never break,
but i feel nothing either

~

my highs and my lows have been averaged out
to a near-constant forbearance

~

i don’t know if i’m stronger for keeping it together
or stronger if i’d let myself unravel

~

it makes me happy to make you happy
but i don’t know who i am anymore
or if i should strive to be anyone at all