there are some people whose eyes tell you
that they desire more than where they find themselves
~
it feels nice to be understood by a lover
but you have to understand yourself more
exploring things about oneself
without breaking prior commitments is the challenge
who am i? is not the question i am asking
what are my bounds and limitations?
that’s more it
~
the thoughts we have and conceal
eat away inside leaving a most
dissatisfied kind of longing
at times i feel that my mind
has grown up faster than my circumstance
~
i don’t want to have outgrown you
i dont want to have come to the end of the page
~
i don’t think we are growing together as much as we are bumping into each other along the turbulent way up to space in a rocketship,
our trajectories together until we break out of the atmosphere
and then, no one really knows
~
i want to explore this wide open space of life
and maybe the only reason i need you is to have a place to come home
a relative to my changes,
a baseline
~
we should be able to get off this ride
when we want to, when it’s over
but i guess it
just
keeps
going
and part of me knows that the journey would be no different
had i started it with someone else by my side.
there is only so long you can stay wrapped up in a person
before the wool falls off your eyes
and your own self demands more from you than they ever could
~
so, this has been fun,
but, i have places i am trying to go
and i don’t think it makes sense for you to try to come along.
you’re on your own journey
and i’m sure we’ll meet up in a space cafe somewhere
to exchange stories and give nods of encouragement
before pushing off again
into our space
i can hold my own in a conversation not in my language
because i’ve learnt it, piecemeal, in response to demand
but wait – it could have been my language all along, right
and the fact that it isn’t
is the fault of experiences that even with good reason,
just don’t seem to quite line up
it’s amazing how wrong you can feel
about your life that is supposedly so right
and how you are a different person in each of your circles
so that no one will know the many ways in which you don’t fit in
it’s both maddening and heartbreaking to know
that you’ll never be good enough
for the people you supposedly resemble the most
we play nice and continue
for harmony’s sake
since promises are kept
including those one never intended to make
but when it’s time to put away the distractions
to take rest and sleep,
it’s a lonely night for any
that try to halfway meet
sometimes our conversations create
such a nurturing environment
that a flower could grow out of the love between
and it does, the petals all of us
i never learn, do i
that nothing matters
except whether i stay true
to the belief that i’ve been
given to care for
and no achievements remain
except an even, thankful disposition
and unyieldingly faithful heart
i sometimes have these both
for a few moments before the scared,
childlike parts of me resurface
seeking attention
the best place to remember and find myself is in the middle of a bustling mall
where the sidebench can be my armchair
and the pleasant scurryings of the shoppers-by
can be my rhythm and also my tide to swim against
~
it requires energy to swim against the current [of mental noise]
just as it takes energy to dive into your craft and find the place where
stroke after stroke, you and the activity flow together as one
and you no longer exist aside from the conscious being watching words appear,
watching lengths unfold
~
i’m swimming again, in the world’s sea, moving and remaining still
every blank page, every still mile of water is full of exactly the lifesource i need
i hope it’s clear that engaging here is as necessary to my survival as breathing
and in fact, i’ve already lost myself, blown off steam, given away my troubles, taken as many deep breaths as a yoga class could provide
i kind of can’t believe how easy it was to arrive here
~
the drive and requirement to be the best that i can be in turn requires that i pull away to rejuvenate, however selfish that may seem
i can rise to the occasion as required
and i believe i have it all in me
but i do not want to feel inadequate
for not rising to an occasion
that does not [currently] exist for me.
i will write on one side of the page only
and it can be someone else’s problem
to figure out where the paper will come from
why should the act of wrapping two polycarbonate (read: plastic) pens in a brown envelope
and securing them with care and a piece of red tape
when no wrappings were required
be viewed as a new-age-post-sale-customer-retention-luxury-value gimmick?
should we not stretch ourselves beyond the ordinary everyday
to make the seemingly mundane seem less so?
~
the bright signs and well-lit displays
I might previously have seen as being pointlessly materialistic are now
easily, breathtaking reminders of the beauty of human ingenuity.
~
we will stop at nothing.
the fact that we can do it,
is reason enough to perform an act
isn’t it?
whether we like it or not
it seems we have little choice but to return
in adulthood
to the habits taught to us in our youth
if only because they bring womb-like comfort
in an otherwise boundless world
nor of the west 