solitude – nor of the west

spring

leave me alone

i don’t want to go to your party and i don’t want to explain why

i want to roll my shoulders out of the upcoming events
just as easily as i roll off the winter coat that has otherwise held me in

the air is confused, it’s like oil mixing with water under a car
not quite sure whether it’s one colour or many

i don’t want to

warm up to any excitements

not yours, not anyone’s

its just not about you,
so much so, that there is no you in my mind

i’m stirring like i do every spring
to things and peacefulness beyond what the world has ever given me

i want to be nowhere, but i definitely don’t want to be here

the warm air brings with it a nausea that might bring up everything that i’ve apparently been holding down

at once i breathe in and turn away from the breeze that will be my undoing

mindfulness

blue jellyfish in water — Photo by Diogo Brandao on Pexels.com

I’m using up all of my energy treading mind’s water,
afraid to sink below the surface even for a moment.

It’s not that I can’t hold my breath;
it’s that shutting my eyes and allowing the waves to take me under
will heighten my eternal senses,
my heart.

I’m avoiding being silent, avoiding it quite deliberately,
swimming from activity to caffeinated activity,
creating more reasons to stay here, afloat.

I’m afraid to know what’s down there

but more afraid that
despite my long-held belief that the darkness is also home to a sunken treasure,

there won’t be anything else at all there with me
and I’ll know that I am truly alone.

love (one)

close up photo of coconut tree — Photo by Suparerg Suksai on Pexels.com

i need to love deeply
the way that i used to when

i didn’t have an object for my love

and i had time to feel
how simultaneously heartbreaking and lovely it was, to love

i need to love, the way i used to when
winds whipped my hair around my face and blew the staleness out of my soul
when i went walking near the lake

just because i could

just because i loved to