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I’m using up all of my energy treading mind’s water,
afraid to sink below the surface even for a moment.
It’s not that I can’t hold my breath;
it’s that shutting my eyes and allowing the waves to take me under
will heighten my eternal senses,
I’m avoiding being silent, avoiding it quite deliberately,
swimming from activity to caffeinated activity,
creating more reasons to stay here, afloat.
I’m afraid to know what’s down there
but more afraid that
despite my long-held belief that the darkness is also home to a sunken treasure,
there won’t be anything else at all there with me
and I’ll know that I am truly alone.
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the worst place to be right now is inside my own head
i’m not sure i ever want to be a leader
since i’m nowhere close to being a proper follower,
forgetting to stop at daily checkpoints in the face of
things that are seemingly so much more important
don’t try to pull me out now;
i only just managed to become comfortable with being alone
and alone is the place where i’ll stay,
the thing this crisis asks from us
is literally the hardest thing for me to give
un-bridled care, compassion,
making myself once again aware that
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there are some people whose eyes tell you
that they desire more than where they find themselves
it feels nice to be understood by a lover
but you have to understand yourself more
exploring things about oneself
without breaking prior commitments is the challenge
who am i? is not the question i am asking
what are my bounds and limitations?
that’s more it
the thoughts we have and conceal
eat away inside leaving a most
dissatisfied kind of longing
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at times i feel that my mind
has grown up faster than my circumstance
i don’t want to have outgrown you
i dont want to have come to the end of the page
i don’t think we are growing together as much as we are bumping into each other along the turbulent way up to space in a rocketship,
our trajectories together until we break out of the atmosphere
and then, no one really knows
i want to explore this wide open space of life
and maybe the only reason i need you is to have a place to come home
a relative to my changes,
we should be able to get off this ride
when we want to, when it’s over
but i guess it
and part of me knows that the journey would be no different
had i started it with someone else by my side.
there is only so long you can stay wrapped up in a person
before the wool falls off your eyes
and your own self demands more from you than they ever could
so, this has been fun,
but, i have places i am trying to go
and i don’t think it makes sense for you to try to come along.
you’re on your own journey
and i’m sure we’ll meet up in a space cafe somewhere
to exchange stories and give nods of encouragement
before pushing off again
into our space
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i don’t recognize my life anymore, it’s living itself
there isn’t a place i can rest my head that feels like
my home —
maybe that was a concept only for childhood
i’m like tempered glass, i can take anything and never break,
but i feel nothing either
my highs and my lows have been averaged out
to a near-constant forbearance
i don’t know if i’m stronger for keeping it together
or stronger if i’d let myself unravel
it makes me happy to make you happy
but i don’t know who i am anymore
or if i should strive to be anyone at all
The view outside is so clear now that we’ve cleaned the windows.
The silence this spare room offers at late hours despite the near-constant sound of tires gripping road, engines conbusting outside, is like the sanctuary of my consciousness despite the constant traffic in my mind.
I feel like who we really are cannot be suppressed, even if the environment and circumstances change. Here I am, years later, sitting at the windowsill, writing in this journal and looking out, and in.
I think I’ll always find my windowsill no matter where I go.
May there be many more quiet nights like these.
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why do we like some places more than others?
maybe the people in those places
are letting the Light through
don’t be a door,
be a window
be strong enough to keep yourself transparent and let the Light filter through you
keep yourself clean and let it pass through
like through a prism, making every colour appear when we see you